11 Awful John Edwards Pickup Lines

Former Sen. John Edwards (D-NC)Chuck Liddy/Raleigh News & Observer/ZumaPress.com

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The way we live now: On Friday, ABC News reported that former Democratic vice presidential nominee John Edwards has been flirting with a female alternate juror at his trial for allegedly making illegal payments from his campaign fund to cover up an affair. Per the story:

Since the alternates were identified last Thursday, it has been impossible to ignore the dynamic between Edwards and one of the female alternates, an attractive young woman with jet-black hair, who seems to have been flirting with Edwards for days.

The juror clearly instigated the exchanges. She smiles at him. He smiles at her. She giggles. He blushes.

But what does he say? We took a stab at it:

  • “Want to see what a $400 haircut buys? [Winks.]”
  • “Improper use of federal matching funds? More like matching fun, amirite? [Winks.]”
  • “[Points at electronic tracking bracelet.] [Winks.]”
  • “Hello, voir dear [long pause] [winks].”
  • “Shall we adjourn to my place? [Winks.]”
  • “I’ll bring the handcuffs [winks].”
  • “You’ve been acquitting yourself nicely [creepy laughter] [points fingers] [claps] [winks]..”
  • “They say justice is blind. But I can’t take my eyes off of you [winks].”
  • “We can build one America, baby [winks].”
  • “Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? Because I know a good personal injury lawyer [winks].”

And for old times’ sake…

  • “My daddy worked at a mill all his life.”

Okay, now we need to take a shower.

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And the truth is, going into the final 4 days of the year we still needed to raise $TK to hit our $350,000 goal and start 2021 on track. It's nerve-wracking, wondering if the big spike we normally see at the end of December is going to be another thing that doesn't go as planned in 2020, or worse, if, now that Donald Trump is set to leave the White House (for longer than a taxpayer-funded golf trip to a property he owns), folks might be pulling back from fighting for the truth and a democracy and think the hard work is done.

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