August 16, 2015

Here’s How to Talk Like Donald Trump

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Back in 1996, Newt Gingrich wrote a memo that explained how to talk like Newt Gingrich. “That takes years of practice,” he conceded up front, but he revealed that you could come close just by studying a list of his favorite words. Unfortunately, that was two decades ago and Gingrich is now a has-been. So what if you want to speak like Donald Trump? Well, that takes years of practice too. Still, you can come close just by studying a list of his go-to talking points.

So here’s the list. Study it. And remember: it doesn’t really matter what question you’re asked. Whatever it is, just say a few words and then switch to any of these topics at random. There’s no need to be subtle, either. Just switch gears. And don’t worry if you’ve already said it. Just say it again. Telling people you’re leading in the polls never gets old!

  1. Our national debt is $19 trillion. We’re going to be Greece on steroids! I want to get rid of this deficit.
  2. I’d send Carl Icahn to China. He’s a great negotiator.
  3. I’ll build a huge wall, the greatest wall ever, and Mexico will pay for it.
  4. The Mexicans/Chinese/South Koreans are killing us. They’re taking away all our jobs. Our leaders are so stupid.
  5. I get along very well with Mexicans/Chinese/Putin/foreign leaders.
  6. I’m leading in all the polls. All of them.
  7. I cherish women. I have such respect for women.
  8. We have to kick the hell out of ISIS and take all their oil.
  9. Iran is getting $150 billion. That’s ridiculous. Also: 24 days is ridiculous too.
  10. I want a simpler tax plan. I want to make it great for the middle class.
  11. Saudi Arabia makes a billion dollars a day.
  12. We have to treat our vets better.
  13. I would be so tough. You wouldn’t believe how tough I would be.
  14. I give money to everyone. And then they owe me favors. All the politicians are like that. It’s a totally corrupt system.
  15. We don’t have time for political correctness.

Here’s an example: What do you think about Planned Parenthood?

Well, I hate abortion. And….you know, I cherish women. I have such respect for women. But if you really want to see poor treatment of women, just go to Iraq. They’re beheading women! We have to kick the hell out of ISIS and take all their oil. It’s the only way. You know, Saudi Arabia makes a billion dollars a day. They should be helping us fight ISIS. We can’t afford to do it by ourselves. Our national debt is $19 trillion. We’re going to be Greece on steroids! I want to get rid of this deficit.

The sad thing is that this isn’t really a joke. It looks like one, I know. But if you read actual Trump answers to actual Trump questions, this is pretty much what they’re like.

In any case, this is not an exhaustive list. And if you can’t find something you think you can use, don’t panic. Just attack. It doesn’t really matter who. Megyn Kelly, Hillary Clinton, Jeb Bush, Barack Obama, whatever. The more outrageous the better. Alternatively, do just the opposite: say that you love the people/organization in question and will support them totally. You’ll be great to them!

Now you can talk like Donald Trump. You’re welcome.

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