Watch and Be Amazed as the Internet Becomes a Parody of Itself

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It’s about time we had a rigorous, quantitative way of telling our friends what we really think of them. Meet Peeple, coming soon to a smartphone near you:

When the app does launch, probably in late November, you will be able to assign reviews and one- to five-star ratings to everyone you know: your exes, your co-workers, the old guy who lives next door. You can’t opt out — once someone puts your name in the Peeple system, it’s there unless you violate the site’s terms of service. And you can’t delete bad, inaccurate or biased reviews — that would defeat the whole purpose.

Sounds like a libel suit waiting to happen, doesn’t it? Exciting! In any case, here’s the deal: When Peeple launches, I want every one of you to download the app and rate me with one star. Zero stars if possible. For a brief moment, I want to be the worst person in the world. This will be my 15 minutes of fame.

Unfortunately, I know my readers. You probably think this sounds like a hoot, but you’re too lazy to actually do it, aren’t you? I guess I don’t blame you. I am too.

Oh well. But one more thing before I end this post. According to Caitlin Dewey, “You can already rate restaurants, hotels, movies, college classes, government agencies and bowel movements online.” Bowel movements? Well fine. I would give today’s four stars. No, wait. Five stars. It was pretty excellent.

POSTSCRIPT: There’s already an app-enabled camera for your front door called Peeple, a poorly-reviewed Tyler Perry movie called Peeples, a kids’ toy called Creeple Peeple, and a “urine-induced art” package called Peeple (you put the peeple in urinals, and they slowly lose their clothes as you pee on them). These guys couldn’t think of a more unique name for their ridiculous app?

ANOTHER POSTSCRIPT: I sure hope we’re allowed to change our ratings in this app. When some little rat bastard of a “friend” refuses to let me borrow his lawnmower, I want an easy way to punish him.

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FACT:

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Today, reader support makes up about two-thirds of our budget, allows us to dig deep on stories that matter, and lets us keep our reporting free for everyone. If you value what you get from Mother Jones, please join us with a tax-deductible donation today so we can keep on doing the type of journalism 2020 demands.

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