If 2021 Is Not Way Better Than 2020, We Should Fire Santa

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Ho ho ho and merry Christmas (Eve)! 

Have you put out the milk and cookies for jolly ol’ Saint Nick? No, of course not. I’m glad you didn’t. You shouldn’t have. I didn’t. In this economy? Cookies and milk for the head of state of the North Pole? Who can fly and has a magic workshop capable of turning out billions of individualized toys every year? He can get his own milk and cookies.

I’ll go further, it seems like given this magic person’s power that he actually isn’t doing enough for us normal humans. For starters: the gifts should become a universal entitlement. No more targeted “gifts for good Christian children.” No matter your religion, no matter your age, and to be honest, no matter how good you have or haven’t been—who is he to judge us? Who elected him?—Santa owes you a gift. 

2) Those elves should be putting some of their magic powers towards solving climate change and cancer. 

3) Santa’s sleigh must be turned over to the United States and NATO so we can have our scientists find further applications for the flying technology. If, as legend says, the reindeer are the magical element “pulling” the sleigh, then we will need to examine the reindeer. They will need to be studied. They will not be harmed! But they must be studied. But you have my word they won’t be harmed! The sleigh and the reindeer will be returned eventually. 

If these demands are not met immediately then we will be forced to actually go to war on Christmas. 

What else is happening in the world today? As you may know, a few days ago Donald Trump threatened to veto the COVID aid package and demanded that Congress raise the one-time check payments from $600 to $2,000. Democrats quickly agreed to this because they had been pushing for that the whole time. Nancy Pelosi attempted to pass it in the House today with unanimous consent, a procedure which, as the name implies, can be stopped by any single congressperson. And that’s what happened! Republicans said no and the motion failed. Maybe they should talk to Trump, the leader of their party? Maybe Trump should talk to them? Maybe someone should talk to someone?

On Monday, the House is going to take it up again under different rules. At this point, everything seems to be completely up in the air.

I hope you have a very nice Christmas Eve! And if you don’t celebrate Christmas, I hope you have a very nice Thursday!

This post was brought to you by the Mother Jones Daily newsletter, which hits inboxes every weekday and is written by Inae Oh, Ben Dreyfuss, and Abigail Weinberg. It regularly features guest contributions by our much smarter colleagues. Sign up for it here.

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