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A 100 percent, very real, very serious note from my Slack drafts …
Hey boss, I don’t know about you, but I’m feeling I’m not going to be able to log on tomorrow. I need several 2-hour-and-10-minute time blocks to do nothing but listen. I need another 10 minutes to watch the Taylor Swift short film. Again. And again. I need another 10 minutes to watch the SNL performance. Again. I need time to Google (again) the ages of Taylor Swift and Jake Gyllenhaal. I need time to Google and then examine the photos of them walking down the street together. I need time to Google (again) the ages of Sadie Sink and Dylan O’Brien. I need time to ponder why Dylan O’Brien, a completely nondescript, not very charming 30-year-old and onetime teen star, is suddenly everywhere. I need time to compare what Dylan looks like in a beanie to what Jake looks like in a beanie. I need time to find out if Taylor is actually friends with Phoebe Bridgers. I need time to order a red scarf. I need time to build an outfit around that red scarf. I need time to send angry notes to whoever let Taylor put on that red wig. I need time to figure out who the actress in the bathroom was. (And if it was Jennifer Aniston, did they talk about John Mayer?!) I need a full few hours to deal with the forthcoming video directed by Blake Lively. Finally, I need time to petition the government to make the third Monday in November an official federal holiday due to the fact that it’s now Holy Ground. This is the last time I’m asking you this. And by Wednesday, we’ll be in a cafe, watching it begin again. Sound good?*
*Don’t come at me, it’s a slow news Sunday.
