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So what’s Brad Pitt really like? He’s a lot like Hugh Grant, who’s a lot like Claire Danes, who’s a lot like every other surprisingly complex, assuredly heterosexual, disturbingly foulmouthed celebrity. Except for Gloria the Iberian lynx, that is. Gloria is slightly different, because she doesn’t have a thuggish publicist enforcing the golden rule of celebrity journalism: Every juicy dollop of celebrity candor must be repaid with a like amount of squishy journalist obsequiousness.
| Celebrity | Estimated exposure to celebrity | Main objective | Gratuitous down-to- earthness |
The star is not gay | Does the celebrity have Tourette’s syndrome? | Reader’s appropriate penance | |
| Vanity Fair | Brad Pitt | Three hours | Plugging Meet Joe Black | “[Pitt is] fun-loving, to be sure, ‘the king of flatulence,’ said Aidan Quinn.” | “I hesitate to use the word ‘feminine,’ because people will get the wrong idea, but something in the way Pitt padded around the house in his slip-ons…made me think he’s exactly the kind of guy a girl could…discuss fabric swatches with.” | “Pitt and I were talking about various literary styles when Cormac McCarthy’s name came up. ‘Whoof, he’s one of the all-stars,’ Pitt said admiringly.” | Must actually read book by Cormac McCarthy |
| GQ | Hugh Grant | At least two separate visits | Plugging Mickey Blue Eyes and Notting Hill | “‘I was never able to blow my nose without a hankie before,’ [Grant] notes. ‘[James Caan] can shoot it for miles. Great cables of snot shooting from his nose that would…hit some minor actor in the face.'” | “His face fairly quivers with rascally delight; I suspect he likes being here [in a gay bar] because of, not in spite of recurring (and baseless) rumors that he’s gay.” | “I have a kind of Tourette’s thing now, where every time I put down the phone I have to say, ‘wanker, cunt.'” | Must actually watch Nine Months |
| Premiere | Clare Danes | However long it takes an overly introspective novice bowler to bowl three games | Plugging Brokedown Palace and The Mod Squad | “‘We both became really fond of these sleeping pills. We were like two little crackheads in the back…. It got pretty violent at times.'” | No overt mentions of Danes’ not-gayness | After criticizing Manila in this interview — it “fucking smelled of cockroaches” — Danes told reporters: “I would never intentionally insult the Philippines.” | Must skip next MTV repeat of “My So-Called Life,” even if it’s the one where Angela finally kisses Jordan Catalano |
| Details | Pamela Anderson | A little too much: “Pamela…sprawls out on her freshly steam-cleaned carpet.” | Plugging new TV show and official, patented Pamela Anderson G-string | “‘You know,’ she says thoughtfully, ‘I think I’m gonna change the name to Pamela’s Rectal Floss. That’ll go flying off the shelves.'” | “‘Everybody’s done that at least once in their life,’ Pamela says about her XXX VHS…. ‘Thank God I don’t have 60 billion tapes out there or anything with women.'” | “I have Tourette’s syndrome: I just say whatever’s on my mind. I just keep spitting it out.” | Must model the patented Pamela Anderson G-string |
| Natural History | Gloria the lberian lynx | “Just over a week” | Staving off extinction | “By examining more than 1,000 feces samples, Palomares found that most lynx consume an average of two rabbits a day.” | “A female will mate with whichever male has won the adjacent territory, and a male will mate with as many females as he can.” | Tendency toward Pitt-like vocalizations, so maybe: “Gloria utters a throaty and menacing growl.” | Kick back and pop in the Pam and Tommy tape: You did a good deed. |
