What if You Took Viagra and Nobody Came?

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To judge by media coverage, Viagra isn’t just for impotent men; it’s the wonder drug for lazy writers in search of pithy metaphors and for late-night comedians in search of cheap laughs. But Viagra isn’t cheap. Not only is it $10 per pill—the drug has been linked to cardiovascular problems. As it turns out, there are many products that can help you achieve an erection—some will even help attract a partner. Many are cheaper; most are safer.—Adam J. Davidson

The Bulge
How it works: The Bulge is a nylon-polypropylene mold of a very large penis designed to be inserted into Speedos or tight jeans. Product co-inventor Storm Jenkins insists it will inspire someone to “take you home and get naked with you.” Your partner’s nudity will cause your erection. Number of erections: 1,000, estimates Jenkins. Cost: $19.95 (2 cents per erection). Possible side effects: Partner’s shocked disappointment. Extra benefit: Makes a great revenge gift to poorly endowed enemies.

Simplified Erection Aid Device
How it works: The plastic device dangles from a belt and wraps around the penis’ base, keeping blood from re-entering the body. “It gives a strong erection, a full erection, a long erection,” says inventor and former Methodist minister Joe Yong. Number of erections: 2,080. “It lasts 10 years,” says Yong. “You can use it four times a week.” Cost: $79.95 (4 cents per erection). Possible side effects: It looks ridiculous. Extra benefit: “It adds a quarter inch to your penis length,” Yong says.

Penile Implant Surgery
How it works: “We open the penis and place two silicone rods, which can inflate and deflate with the touch of a button,” says Greg Bales, assistant professor of urology at the University of Chicago Medical Center. “Sensation is not altered at all.” Number of erections: 2,000. “These are men who are pretty motivated. The average patient is 60 and has sex twice a week,” he says. “They can be active another 20 years.” Cost: “$12,000—lock, stock, and barrel,” Bales says ($6 per erection). Possible side effects: “It hurts like hell for about four weeks,” Bales says. “It’s your dick.” Extra benefits: “You can keep an erection 24 hours a day, if you want.”

Corvette
How it works: “A Corvette is an extension of the penis,” says Paul Somerman, a salesman at Lynch Automotive in Chicago. “Guys go around beeping the horn and, strangely enough, women get in. I had an ’87 Corvette, and I did meet a lot of women.” Once the woman is in the car, erection automatically ensues. For the best effects, Somerman recommends a Corvette convertible with a pewter finish and a black top. Number of erections: 240 over 10 years. “I’d say, on average, guys with Corvettes get two women a month,” says Somerman. Cost: $60,000 ($250 per erection). Possible side effects: “The women you meet are pretty superficial,” says Somerman. Extra benefit: “It’s American made. Much more reliable than a European car.”

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And the truth is, going into the final 4 days of the year we still needed to raise $TK to hit our $350,000 goal and start 2021 on track. It's nerve-wracking, wondering if the big spike we normally see at the end of December is going to be another thing that doesn't go as planned in 2020, or worse, if, now that Donald Trump is set to leave the White House (for longer than a taxpayer-funded golf trip to a property he owns), folks might be pulling back from fighting for the truth and a democracy and think the hard work is done.

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