George W. Bush Running Mate Application

George W. Bush needs a running mate, but sufficiently bland-yet-dignified candidates are hard to come by. Are you veep material?

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Please print this page and fill out the questionnaire using a typewriter or print neatly using black or blue ink only.

Name:_________________________

Address:_______________________

Age:___________________________

Occupation:____________________

Marital Status (check only one):
Single: __ Married: __ Other: __

Blood type (check only one):
A: __ A-: ___ B: __ B-:__ AB: __ AB-: __ O: __ O-: __ Blue: __

  1. The most important quality I would bring to a national ticket is (circle one):
    1. A fierce dedication to uphold the Constitution of the United
    2. States.

    3. The electoral vote guarantee of an important swing state.
    4. Respect and dignity.
    5. Money. Lots and lots and lots of money.

  2. Which of these statements is truest (circle one)?
    1. “Blood is thicker than oil.”
    2. “Oil is thicker than water.”
    3. “Blood is thicker than water.”
    4. “Oil and blood have approximately the same viscosity, but oil is easier to use as leverage.”

  3. The investment of portions of Social Security in the stock market is (circle one):
    1. A good idea.
    2. A great idea.
    3. A great idea the public will come to trust after I’ve talked to them about it.
    4. The worst idea since oyster-flavored popsicles.

  4. Please spell “potato.”

  5. Singular: ___________ Plural: _____________

  6. Hunting is better than golfing.

  7. True: ____ False: ____

  8. Did you ever know, work with, or have as a good friend, Jack Kennedy?

  9. Yes: ____ No: ____

  10. Jeb Bush’s children are (circle one):
    1. Black.
    2. Red.
    3. Brown.
    4. Short.

  11. Complete this statement. Women (circle one):
    1. Should be seen barefoot and pregnant but not heard.
    2. Got to learn to relax for the inevitable.
    3. Deserve to be executed just like normal people.

  12. As an impressionable youth, I experimented with (circle all that apply):
    1. Marijuana.
    2. Cocaine.
    3. LSD.
    4. Campaign finance reform.

  13. Electric Shock Therapy (circle one):
    1. Should be utilized only as a last resort.
    2. Is like drinking three triple shots of bourbon real fast.
    3. Can be fun.

  14. If you cannot answer yes to A, please complete B.
    1. I have many children. Yes: ____ No: ______
    2. Why not? ____________________________

  15. The W in George W Bush stands for (circle one):
    1. Wimp.
    2. Wussie.
    3. Walker.
    4. What the hell do I stand for?

  16. Please answer the following question to the best of your ability:
  17. “Who am I, and why am I here?”

    _________________________________________
    _________________________________________
    _________________________________________

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We've never been very good at being conservative.

And usually, that serves us well in doing the ambitious, hard-hitting journalism that you turn to Mother Jones for. But it also means we can't afford to come up short when it comes to scratching together the funds it takes to keep our team firing on all cylinders, and the truth is, we finished our budgeting cycle on June 30 about $100,000 short of our online goal.

This is no time to come up short. It's time to fight like hell, as our namesake would tell us to do, for a democracy where minority rule cannot impose an extreme agenda, where facts matter, and where accountability has a chance at the polls and in the press. If you value our reporting and you can right now, please help us dig out of the $100,000 hole we're starting our new budgeting cycle in with an always-needed and always-appreciated donation today.

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