Best Abstinence Advice Ever

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If you’re like me, and you have trouble keeping friendly frontal hugs from turning into full-on depraved bonefests, you’ll appreciate the advice of these side-hug-advocating, Jesus-loving white rappers (h/t the Rumpus): 

Honestly, even though my Catholic-school teachers forced me to watch graphic abortion videos when I was a child, I had a hard time believing a big Christian group would really endorse something this misguided. Forget that even Bristol Palin knows that abstinence-only education is just silly; what’s with the gunfire and sirens? But consider the matter fact-checked: “Mm-hm, that was us,” the Encounter Generation Conference secretary told me this morning. “The side hug is just a little rule we have around here, to encourage kids to keep their hands off each other.” Apparently they’ve also recorded songs set to the Phantom of the Opera theme and Queen’s “We Are the Champions.” Since those are, unfortunately, not available on the Internet, I offer you Christian punk band Lust Control’s catchy anti-masturbation screed. My favorite part is where they remind you that Jesus “sees everything you do”—though it’s a slightly less creepy deterrent than what I was taught in grade school, which is that if you touch yourself, Jesus AND your dead relatives will watch. 

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DEMOCRACY DOES NOT EXIST...

without free and fair elections, a vigorous free press, and engaged citizens to reclaim power from those who abuse it.

In this election year unlike any other—against a backdrop of a pandemic, an economic crisis, racial reckoning, and so much daily crazy—Mother Jones' journalism is driven by one simple question: Will America will move closer to, or further from, justice and equity in the years to come?

If you're able to, please join us in this mission with a donation today. Our reporting right now is focused on voting rights and election security, corruption, disinformation, racial and gender equity, and the climate crisis. We can’t do it without the support of readers like you, and we need to give it everything we've got between now and November. Thank you.

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