April 20, 2010

420- Worthy Tips for Pick-Up Artists

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It must be 420 because I got a press release from someone who’s been drinking the bong water: It advises men how to pick up “city women” by wearing hair mascara, ankle charm bracelets, and mirdles (that’s male girdles, for all you non-pick-up artists out there). Piggybacking off the New York Times‘ fashion article on peacocking, self-proclaimed “celebrity” pick-up artist and My Jewelry Box CEO, David Mamane (A.K.A. Diamond Guy) hocks his company’s sparkling wares, along with a few others, with these oh-so-cleverly disguised seduction tips:

1. Not so good at starting a conversation?  Ask her if she wants you to open her beer with your belt.  The hipster guitar belt buckle and beer bottle opener are a great conversation starter.
2. If you’re a genius at talking the talk, lure her in by wearing a bright “notice-me” watch that says you are always available when someone is looking for the time. This red, white and blue watch from MyJewelryBox.com says you’re patriotic, leading to more conversation!  
3. Had to give up your gym membership during the recession? Look 7 lbs slimmer by wearing a Mirdle from Kymaro and explain to girls that you are comfortable with who you are and don’t need to go to the gym to look this good.
4. Charm her with an ankle charm bracelet that features a lock and key from MyJewelryBox.com. Tell her you have the key to her heart at your feet and give her this ankle bracelet if she’s worthy of it.  
5.  Lighten-Up your locks and show your softer side with the portable Fix My Roots hair mascara from Kymaro. Paint it on before you hit the town and you’ll be amazed at how you can secretly seduce.

Who among us, barring frigid, un-American spinsters, can truly say they’ve never been bedded by a patriotic watch?

In the spirit of giving, here are a few seduction strategies that Mr. Guy may have overlooked:

The TV-Hat, the television you wear on your face, will show her she’s not the only one that needs attention. Easily avoid the meddlesome interaction known as “listening.”

Penazzling. And you thought women had all the fun! Show your lady that you care by bejeweling your family jewels! Sure, she might be weirded out at first, but once she sees her initials on your junk, she’ll be rendered speechless, except perhaps to say, “God, I respect you.”

Fundies. Double your romance without doubling your laundry by buying this sexy tandem undergarment (seen above).

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WE CAME UP SHORT.

We just wrapped up a shorter-than-normal, urgent-as-ever fundraising drive and we came up about $45,000 short of our $300,000 goal.

That means we're going to have upwards of $350,000, maybe more, to raise in online donations between now and June 30, when our fiscal year ends and we have to get to break-even. And even though there's zero cushion to miss the mark, we won't be all that in your face about our fundraising again until June.

So we urgently need this specific ask, what you're reading right now, to start bringing in more donations than it ever has. The reality, for these next few months and next few years, is that we have to start finding ways to grow our online supporter base in a big way—and we're optimistic we can keep making real headway by being real with you about this.

Because the bottom line: Corporations and powerful people with deep pockets will never sustain the type of journalism Mother Jones exists to do. The only investors who won’t let independent, investigative journalism down are the people who actually care about its future—you.

And we hope you might consider pitching in before moving on to whatever it is you're about to do next. We really need to see if we'll be able to raise more with this real estate on a daily basis than we have been, so we're hoping to see a promising start.

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