This Week in National Insecurity

DOD photo / <a href="http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:US_soldiers_stuck_in_sand_in_southern_Afghanistan.jpg">Wikimedia Commons</a>

Whichever side of the fence you land on, chances are you agree that America’s not a very secure nation these days: economically, electorally, and of course, physically. So we grabbed our lensatic compass, rucksack, and canteen, then mounted out across the global media landscape for a quick recon. Whether you’re scared because our military isn’t good enough—or you’re scared because it’s too good—here’s all the ammunition you need, in a handy debrief.

In this installment: the crusade to protect Texas from fertile evildoers; Iranians keep digging that hole; dude, who’s my Caucasian emir?; Afghanistan oops; damned Army wives; damned bad ships’ captains; damned badass West Point cadets; and damned sad/funny DADT news.

The sitrep:

The United States government’s national threat level is Elevated, or Yellow. You’re welcome.

• You know who’s the biggest threat to our security? “TERROR BABIES!” They’re like “anchor babies,” only they can go on land, too! Fortunately Louie Gohmert is on the case. As well as this lady, Texas Sharron Angle Debbie Riddle. So far, Gohmert and the Riddler have taken what military strategist Sir Basil Liddell-Hart referred to as the “indirect approach”: Stopping terror babies by screaming at Anderson Cooper. Well-played, Texas tacticians! But if, on further reflection, you seek a more direct solution for those durn procreatin’ illegal immigrants, you could always go all Korematsu on their butts! (MoJo/Mediaite/Wonkette)

• Wait, did I say terror babies are the biggest threat to our security? I meant IRANIANS! They’re in cahoots with the Taliban, according to the always-reliable Afghan intelligence services. Plus, Mahmoud Ahmagonnaknockyouout apparently has his Persian brothers digging graves in Iran for the many American bodies they would accumulate in a disastrous US invasion. Which just shows how little Mahmoud knows about American ingenuity: We can get durn procreatin’ illegal immigrants to dig our graves for cheaper! (Wired‘s Danger Room/Ms. Sparky)

• Did you know there’s a “Caucasian Emirate,” and it’s not a bunch of old white Alabaman dudes wearing fezzes railing about Freemasons? Actually, it’s a self-declared state run by a bunch of Taliban-ish Chechens. And according to dueling press releases, it’s going through the freedom-hatin’, jihad-declarin’ version of Bush v. Gore. Maybe we can send Clarence Thomas and Antonin Scalia over there to screw up the Emirate’s government as badly as they screwed ours! (al-Maktabah)

• Afghanistan! What’s the first step in getting us to wind down the war and bring the troops home? Making huge bases even bigger, of course! What’s step two? Training Afghan troops so well, the French have to send commandos in to save ’em! What’s step three? Animal sacrifice? Consult an oracle? Poop your pants? (Danger Room/NY Times)

• Our lovely, virtuous, sacred Army wives are America-hating Al Qaeda sympathizers who undermine the victory effort with their “influence” over their husbands. At least, that’s how Charles Krauthammer would have framed this story. Because, you know, he’s kind of a tool. (NY Times/Adam Serwer)

• If I’ve said it once, sailors, I’ve said it a thousand times: When you get command of a ship, you have to carefully guard against the natural and totally understandable temptation to commit sexual harassment, maltreatment of a subordinate, simple assault, conduct unbecoming an officer, drunk and disorderly conduct, and use of indecent language, or you might lose your job. Just sayin’. (Navy Times)

• Dude, isn’t that so awesome and brave? Over and over and over again? (MoJo x4)

• Dude, isn’t that SO gay? Roger that, Fagmeister. (MoJo)