Searching for holiday gifts that will educate and entertain a special, impressionable someone? Look no further than these great works of children’s literature by conservative pundits.
Author: Rush Limbaugh
Summary: A time-traveling substitute history teacher hitches a ride on the Mayflower.
Excerpt: “…maybe now would be a good time to time-jump back to modern-day America and get some seasickness pills.”
Don’t tell the kids: The pill-popping author once compared a 13-year-old girl to a dog.
Listen to El Rushbo read an exciting passage about the Pilgrim’s snot-drenched (skip to 1:30) passage to America:
Author: Lynne Cheney
Summary: Biographical sketches of famous ladies, including Rosa Parks and Sandra Day O’Connor
Excerpt: “D is for Emily Dickinson, our country’s greatest poet.”
Don’t tell the kids: Cheney’s debut novel, Sisters, features a racy lesbian scene.
Sweet Land of Liberty (2011)
Author: Callista Gingrich
Summary: A time-traveling elephant explores events in American history.
Excerpt: “Ellis the Elephant was a smart little guy, with a curly grey trunk, and a twinkling eye. He liked asking questions, he was eager to see how America became the land of the free.”
Don’t tell the kids: The Gingrich staffer who wore an Ellis costume at book signings was charged with blackmailing women with nude photos.
Callista Gingrich and a disappointingly well-behaved Ellis promo their book:
Author: Bill O’Reilly
Summary: Papa Bear offers life advice to adolescents.
Excerpt: “Bullies are cowards…This chapter is for anyone who is being bullied, but it’s also for the fools who are bullies.”
Don’t tell the kids: Bill O’Reilly makes more than $10 million a year being a bully.
This book trailer captures just how “hip” and “with it” he is.
The Christmas Sweater (2008)
Author: Glenn Beck
Summary: Eddie discovers the true meaning of Christmas after getting an ugly sweater.
Excerpt: “Eddie shook his snow globe one last time and placed it on the dresser beside his bed. He watched the snowstorm swirl and thought about the one gift he wanted most for Christmas—a new bicycle.”
Don’t tell the kids: A pair of artisanal, selvage blue jeans from Beck’s personal brand sell for $129 a pair.
The perfect addition to the library in your family’s bunker!
Can’t Wait Till Christmas (2010)
Author: Mike Huckabee
Summary: Mike discovers the meaning of Christmas after prematurely unwrapping the new football he wanted.
Excerpt: “He had been counting down the days since July. And at the very top of his wish-list was a football. Not just any football—a brown leather J.C. Higgins regulation-size football.”
Don’t tell the kids: It looks like Huckabee regifted Beck’s Christmas story.
Author: GOP consultant (and ex-Clinton adviser) Dick Morris
Summary: A golden retriever gets lost in the capital while searching for a ball.
Excerpt: “If people are equal can it possibly be/That dogs are too…especially me?”
Don’t tell the kids: That whole toe fetish thing.