Don’t Drink Wine

Fox Searchlight Pictures/Entertainment Pictures/ZUMAPRESS.com

Fight disinformation: Sign up for the free Mother Jones Daily newsletter and follow the news that matters.


Wine. Lol.

Wine.

Let’s back up a second. A few weeks ago, Vox, a site mostly known for making wishes that never come true, made some video about wine. We blogged about that video. Yesterday, Jezebel‘s Sarah Miller published a response to our blog post:

While Mother Jones certainly has the right to get out from under their image as the resting place of old potatoes on your weirdest uncle’s kitchen table, it is interesting to see that one of the ways they’re moving toward A New Tomorrow is by aggregating a video called EXPENSIVE WINE IS FOR SUCKERS put together by the visionaries at Vox.

Mother Jones’ populist headline for their “take” is Your snobby wine friends are full of shit. Because I myself am snobby wine friend to many, I was utterly unsurprised when both the Mother Jones article and its oddly youthful parent—a video in which 19 Vox staffers try an expensive Cabernet Sauvignon, a mid-priced Cabernet Sauvignon and a cheap Cabernet Savignon, and prefer the cheap wine by about half—piled up in my inbox over the weekend.

So, this is not my response to Jezebel‘s response to our blog post about Vox‘s wine video. This is a wakeup call to all wine drinkers.

LOL.

Wine is a joke. Whether it’s in a bottle, a box, or a boot, it’s a stupid drink. Since time immemorial people have consumed wine, but for most of that time people were backwards and lived in fields and didn’t know anything. Now we live in the 21st century and drink wine? Lol.

It doesn’t even taste good! It tastes ok sometimes, but it’s really sugary! It gives you terrible hangovers! It doesn’t get you drunk! It ruins your teeth! You know who drinks wine? Europeans.

Americans who drink wine do so because they think they are living in a BBC adaptation of a Jane Austen novel. It feels rich and smart to have thoughts about wine and to order fancy, expensive bottles of wine. You are not smart. You are not fancy. You are not rich—or at least you won’t be if you keep pissing your money away on wine.

You drink alcohol because your life is hard and you need a respite from the pain. You drink wine because you have been tricked by society into thinking it is a shibboleth of class and taste.

Bullshit. Society has lied to you. Wine is for suckers.

Fuck wine.

Don’t drink beer, either. Beer is stupid.

NEWS FLASH, wino: You are screwed in the head. You need your medicine. Wine is a weak dose of your medicine. You need the good stuff.

Liquor. Hard liquor.

Booze.

Booze is cool. Booze is effective. There are many different types of boozes. Drink whiskey. Whiskey is the best booze. You probably don’t even like the taste of whiskey. But you can get there. You can learn to love it.

Whiskey burns. You’ll come to love that burn because that burn will be painful and that pain will be like going home.

Wine is for dilettantes. Are you a dilettante? Maybe you are. If you are, drink your wine, dilettante.

This concludes my wakeup call to all wine drinkers, which was, again, not a response to Jezebel‘s response to our blog post about Vox‘s wine video.

UPDATE Thursday, January 6, 2016: Red wine is bad for you, say experts:

In a u-turn, Government experts have dismissed the supposed health benefits of wine and are set to rewrite the rule book on the nation’s alcohol consumption, according to reports.

We've never been very good at being conservative.

And usually, that serves us well in doing the ambitious, hard-hitting journalism that you turn to Mother Jones for. But it also means we can't afford to come up short when it comes to scratching together the funds it takes to keep our team firing on all cylinders, and the truth is, we finished our budgeting cycle on June 30 about $100,000 short of our online goal.

This is no time to come up short. It's time to fight like hell, as our namesake would tell us to do, for a democracy where minority rule cannot impose an extreme agenda, where facts matter, and where accountability has a chance at the polls and in the press. If you value our reporting and you can right now, please help us dig out of the $100,000 hole we're starting our new budgeting cycle in with an always-needed and always-appreciated donation today.

payment methods

We've never been very good at being conservative.

And usually, that serves us well in doing the ambitious, hard-hitting journalism that you turn to Mother Jones for. But it also means we can't afford to come up short when it comes to scratching together the funds it takes to keep our team firing on all cylinders, and the truth is, we finished our budgeting cycle on June 30 about $100,000 short of our online goal.

This is no time to come up short. It's time to fight like hell, as our namesake would tell us to do, for a democracy where minority rule cannot impose an extreme agenda, where facts matter, and where accountability has a chance at the polls and in the press. If you value our reporting and you can right now, please help us dig out of the $100,000 hole we're starting our new budgeting cycle in with an always-needed and always-appreciated donation today.

payment methods

We Recommend

Latest

Sign up for our free newsletter

Subscribe to the Mother Jones Daily to have our top stories delivered directly to your inbox.

Get our award-winning magazine

Save big on a full year of investigations, ideas, and insights.

Subscribe

Support our journalism

Help Mother Jones' reporters dig deep with a tax-deductible donation.

Donate